Saturday, April 14, 2012

Nylon and Spandex - A Contemplation

I went bathing suit shopping last weekend. It left me very confused and angry – and NO, not because I’m a stereotypical woman who thinks I look horrible in a bathing suit. I was confused and angry because of the following observations:

1. Nylon and spandex are obviously manufactured by the same children who mine conflict diamonds. Either that, or the chemistry behind making these materials is extremely advanced and possibly proprietary information of aliens in our solar system. These are my only explanations as to why bathing suits are so flipping expensive. I bought a tank-top-style swimsuit so…how much material is that? The top was $86. THE TOP. Again, just the top of the swimsuit was $86. The bottom, which is essentially a stretchy pair of underwear, was $57. Yes, I bought $57 underwear. If my swimsuit had been a retro look, like old-style full skirt and sleeves, maybe I could see paying this much.

2. You might ask, why didn’t you just go to Target or Kohl’s and buy a less expensive suit? It is your own fault for buying from Everything but Water. If you ask me this question, you are either a man, or you were blessed with perfect boobs. Sorry to be so blunt. A woman with a larger chest that, let’s be honest, needs some support, simply cannot rely on cheaper swimsuits to fit well and look semi-normal. Most of the cheaper swimsuits have padding as a way to offer support, which means that you look like you are trying smuggle four slightly deflated balloons to the beach. I say four, because you have your chest…and then the tightness of the swimsuit, and then the padding. So you get an effect that looks something like you have abs on your chest. The suits that don’t have padding – triangle-type tops are perfect examples – are a joke for anyone over a B cup. So, swimsuits are made with absolutely no regard for the majority of women who will be wearing them.

3. Finally…I am turning 30 this year. I know that isn’t OLD. But it’s old enough. Just like I can no longer with good conscience buy a tank top at Abercrombie, I can no longer bring myself to buy a two-piece. Having two kids, with scars…I mean, I’m not totally vain or anything, but I just feel comfortable with a little more coverage. But, if you want more coverage, you apparently can’t try and buy a suit at Victoria’s Secret…at least not when the suits for the spring break crowd are on the floor. I asked if they had tankinis and the sales girl looked at me with pity and shook her head. Fine. FINE, I rocked Acapulco when I was your age young lady.

So, maybe I am a little bitter, but the main point - $150 is ridiculous to pay for a swimsuit.

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