Sunday, August 29, 2010

Dear Black Berry Messaging marketing team: Seriously? You really shorten it to BBM? Can anything ending in BM work? I don't really get how it would be a joke, but do the people who write these ads not listen to the end result? "Oh hey, I just got a BBM!" So, what you're saying is you just got a big bowel movement? Awesome. I want to go get a Black Berry so I can send out loads of BBMs.

Ok, just had to get that out. This weekend I went to the Hudsonville Fair with my dad and the kids...I think the last time I was there was 8th grade or something. Anyway, as you might have seen on my facebook page, the prices were ridiculous! Maybe if we were in Chicago or something I could see spending $6 so my son can ride around a small track three times while some drugged-out looking carni sends out BBMs...but on the west side of Michigan? Come on Dutch people, where is your indignation?!

Overall, though, it was a good visit. It made me think that more kids need to be exposed to farms and animals and 4-H clubs and stuff. I think I'm a better person just from my limited glimpse into those things from having my parents grow up on farms (I say limited since I never actually worked on a farm or was in a 4-H-type club), and I am really proud that I have that heritage in my family.

So, in closing, even though I'm currently watching the Emmys and wondering why I'm not Tina Fey, I'm glad I got to see a bit of the "simpler" life growing up (even though I don't think there is anything simple about farming) and I'm glad that I'm not too worried about my next BBM.

Monday, August 16, 2010


Cotton. What is with the whole cotton campaign? Colbie Callait, Alicia Keys, Jewel, some other country chick, Zoey Dechanel...they are all singing about cotton. Ok, fine...but you can actually download their identical songs about cotton. Oh hey, what's on your ipod? Hm, 6 versions of the same song...about fabric. Really? If you are reading this and you have a downloaded version of the cotton song, you are not my friend. Also, why does cotton need an advocacy campaign? I mean, it is like "Got Milk?" right? It isn't like it is just Hanes or some other clothing company, it is cotton as a whole. Is the whole cotton industry suffering? I'm pretty sure that most items of clothing have some percentage of cotton in them, and unless you happen to be Lady Gaga or a scuba diver or something, you probably wear cotton pretty often. I get the whole milk and pork and whatever other industry initiatives out there because I'm sure they support farming or American jobs or whatever...and I guess it could be the case with cotton...but again, it isn't as if cotton growers around America are like...oh man, everyone is really pumped about this new all-cashmere movement - how are we going to keep sales going? Like I have a choice when I got to the store between cotton balls and, I don't know, Lycra balls?

Wow, that is quite the rant on just cotton. I've had a tough week I guess.

Facebook. Oh my goodness, the facebook drama these past couple weeks. I don't want to add to it, but I have to say one thing. Passive-aggressive facebook statuses, while lame, are something I cannot judge because back in the day I used compose my AIM away message like I was writing my English thesis. I mean, I needed to make a really ambiguous and emotional statement about life using quotes from Dashboard Confessionals songs or some other emo artist. So, whatever, people are crazy, me included. Along that same vein, professing one's faith by "liking" certain things or joining groups or posting links is fine...whatever, that's who you are, do you what you want. But, I really don't think it is appropriate to post direct messages to God on your facebook status as a way to get your point across or vent or whatever. Even if it is done in are just posting how you feel ok, but guess what....God isn't reading your facebook status as an alternative to prayer.

Food. Food is always better when someone else makes it, regardless of what it is. I would rather have someone grill me up a hot dog than give me a wonderful raw cut of fillet, some uncooked redskin potatoes, and say, here you go, enjoy! I don't want to mash potatoes or worry about grilling the meat. If my mom makes me a grilled cheese sandwich it is going to taste a million times better than if I had made the sandwich myself - that is just fact. It is a strange law of physics but it is just the way the world works. That is why I would be way skinnier if I was on Nutrasystem or one of those other meal-delivery things, but unfortunately getting meals ready-prepared also costs money. So the moral of the story is, if you want me to lose weight, come over and get in the kitchen. Until then, Chef Boyardee is my homie.

Your car. Note to those who drive on a regular basis-your car's windows are see-through. Unless you're in the back of a limo, I can see you. On my way to and from work I have seen the following things. This is no lie:

1. A guy doing bicep curls.
2. A guy hitting himself in the head repeatedly.
3. A girl painting her toenails.
4. A guy reading the newspaper.
5. A guy in what appeared to be boxer shorts with no shirt on.
6. A women holding her dog with both arms...on her lap, trying to make sure it didn't jump out the window. Hey lady...close the window.

Everyone does stupid stuff when they are by themselves. I sing, whatever, I probably pick my nose, but I'm amazed at some of the things people do, like they think they are in their own little worlds inside their cars. And then of course they are bad drivers...everyone is a bad driver.


People who feel it is appropriate to comment on my child's size, abilities, etc. To the lady at the library who said she isn't surprised Lucas isn't walking yet with all the weight he has to carry around....seriously? I mean, I don't care as much that she said that as the fact that she thought it was perfectly acceptable to comment on someone's child like that. First of all, Lucas is a big boy, but he really isn't as chubby as people make him out to be. He is just really solid...but even if he was a huge ball of lard, I'm not going to go up and say to some person at the library, isn't a surprise that your child isn't walking because you obviously over-feed him and have some crazy genetic mutation in your family that causes you to be ugly and huge. I mean, I know that isn't what she was saying, but really! I've had people ask me how much Lucas weighs, how old Gavin was when he started walking when they see them both together, and then they say, well that is pretty common for one kid to walk later if the other one did, too. Oh really? Because I've done absolutely no research into late walkers. And how much do you weigh? Why is your kid so weird looking, is it because you are or is it his Dad? Oh, his Dad not in the picture, why is that? Did you run him off with your crazy?

Ok...something with a more positive tone to end this long post:

Dancing. How great is dancing? You can do it regardless of ability, just by yourself or whatever, and it will make you happy no matter what. We bought Gavin some shoes a week ago or so and he didn't want to wear them at first...I said, just try them on and he did and he stood up, looked at me and said, "Hey, I can tap dance in these!" That was awesome.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Is it that great?

Summer is a slow time in the financial proofreading world. I guess it is when all the auditors are out getting their report information/drinking with clients and going on vacation, so I haven't had too much to do lately. This has allowed me to spend almost the equivalent hours of a full time job on YouTube. You might read this post and think, uh, Kelly, everyone knows that YouTube is awesome. Is it? Ok, I love cute videos of animals and funny accidents as much as the next person. I don't even mind second-hand videos of tv shows that I can't see on hulu or the network's site. Last night Trav went to bed early and I spent a good hour watching videos of people proposing marriage in creative ways. All good stuff, right? Ok, well what about people who have their own YouTube channels and basically just talk to the camera or use their Mac editing software to make "funny" sketches. I'm not going to lie, I subscribe to jpmetz and I think she's pretty funny. But some people out there make the dumbest videos but get subscribers, and therefore ad revenue, and become partnered (whatever that means), just because a bunch of people think it's really amazing that a person can be creative.
Ok, there is a limit to when we should be applauding creativity. This is an ironic statement since I like it when people read my blogs but I'm not doing anything else but writing about my opinions on things. But really, I mean, the double rainbow auto tune is pretty funny, but the fact that someone with an auto tune feature on his or her computer can auto tune ANYTHING and make money off of it astounds me! And look at Justin Beiber. He put a video of himself singing on YouTube and because a crazy-popular teen idol. Yes, he can sing and I see that he is appealing to teen-aged girls, but there was a time when someone like him would have had to do a bunch of mall appearances and county fairs to get recognized. I know, pot calling the kettle black since I put a video up of Gavin being the cutest kid in the world on YouTube (not for publicity but just to share his sheer cuteness) and write blog posts, but really, kids are going to grow up spending their time trying to make dumb videos and hoping someone will pay them for having a modicum of talent. Alright, that's my rant, off to go watch ONISION sing about being a banana.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


There are a lot of horrible songs that have been popular at one time or another...I've even probably liked some of them. But, I have to say that the most horrible song I've heard in a long time is Katy Perry's "California Girls." Actually, I'm pretty sure anything by Katy Perry is pretty bad. But what I notice most about this song, besides Katy's obvious lack of singing ability, is how she seems to have some weird undefinable accent. As I thought about this, I realized that a lot of other pop singers have the same accent. A popaccent, if you will. Ke$ha totally has a popaccent. Jessica Simpson, on the one or two songs that made it on the radio...has a popaccent. Britney Spears definitely has a popaccent. Where does this come from? Is it the lack of singing ability that makes it so words need to be pronounced differently?

The most glaring example is in "California Girls" when Katy says "us." Just us...a simple word to say, but it comes out "aueees" or something. It is hard to write how it sounds. Or the word "love." Lauevveee....basically it is "aueee" that is used instead of every other vowel.

So, my plan is now, instead of getting paid to blog or write (since to date I have made exactly zero dollars from this endeavor), I'm going to be a pop star, since I'm pretty good at impersonating accents, I figure with autotune and my new popaccent, I should be all set. Airbrush out the few pounds I've gained since highschool (yeah, I said few, what, you want to say something?) and add some hair extentions, and your going to be asking for my autograph soon.

*Ok wait, I just went to find a link I could post to the song and realized that the song is actually spelled "California Gurls." It is quite possible that pop music is subversively trying to create its own language system. Here is what the first verse of the song should say when written out:

I know a place, where the grass is always greenAR
Warm, wet, and wild, must be something in the WAHTAHrrrrr
Sippin' gin and juice layin' underneath the palm trees
Boysss break there naeks, tryin' to creep a little sneak peek (at auess)

Looking at the lyrics I just wrote out, I'm reminded of the class on Chaucer I took in college. It looks a lot like olde English. Perhaps English writers like Chaucer and C.S. Lewis and whoever wrote the story that starts with a "B" about the knight..or crap...I think oh yeah, Beowulf...I bet they all had unpublished manuscripts with titles like "Arthurian Gurls" or "Art thou Downe?"

I also have to comment that Rihanna's "Rude Boy" is probably the worst song ever made, but she already has her own accent going on, so that is just an aside.