Sunday, August 29, 2010

Dear Black Berry Messaging marketing team: Seriously? You really shorten it to BBM? Can anything ending in BM work? I don't really get how it would be a joke, but do the people who write these ads not listen to the end result? "Oh hey, I just got a BBM!" So, what you're saying is you just got a big bowel movement? Awesome. I want to go get a Black Berry so I can send out loads of BBMs.

Ok, just had to get that out. This weekend I went to the Hudsonville Fair with my dad and the kids...I think the last time I was there was 8th grade or something. Anyway, as you might have seen on my facebook page, the prices were ridiculous! Maybe if we were in Chicago or something I could see spending $6 so my son can ride around a small track three times while some drugged-out looking carni sends out BBMs...but on the west side of Michigan? Come on Dutch people, where is your indignation?!

Overall, though, it was a good visit. It made me think that more kids need to be exposed to farms and animals and 4-H clubs and stuff. I think I'm a better person just from my limited glimpse into those things from having my parents grow up on farms (I say limited since I never actually worked on a farm or was in a 4-H-type club), and I am really proud that I have that heritage in my family.

So, in closing, even though I'm currently watching the Emmys and wondering why I'm not Tina Fey, I'm glad I got to see a bit of the "simpler" life growing up (even though I don't think there is anything simple about farming) and I'm glad that I'm not too worried about my next BBM.

Monday, August 16, 2010


Cotton. What is with the whole cotton campaign? Colbie Callait, Alicia Keys, Jewel, some other country chick, Zoey Dechanel...they are all singing about cotton. Ok, fine...but you can actually download their identical songs about cotton. Oh hey, what's on your ipod? Hm, 6 versions of the same song...about fabric. Really? If you are reading this and you have a downloaded version of the cotton song, you are not my friend. Also, why does cotton need an advocacy campaign? I mean, it is like "Got Milk?" right? It isn't like it is just Hanes or some other clothing company, it is cotton as a whole. Is the whole cotton industry suffering? I'm pretty sure that most items of clothing have some percentage of cotton in them, and unless you happen to be Lady Gaga or a scuba diver or something, you probably wear cotton pretty often. I get the whole milk and pork and whatever other industry initiatives out there because I'm sure they support farming or American jobs or whatever...and I guess it could be the case with cotton...but again, it isn't as if cotton growers around America are like...oh man, everyone is really pumped about this new all-cashmere movement - how are we going to keep sales going? Like I have a choice when I got to the store between cotton balls and, I don't know, Lycra balls?

Wow, that is quite the rant on just cotton. I've had a tough week I guess.

Facebook. Oh my goodness, the facebook drama these past couple weeks. I don't want to add to it, but I have to say one thing. Passive-aggressive facebook statuses, while lame, are something I cannot judge because back in the day I used compose my AIM away message like I was writing my English thesis. I mean, I needed to make a really ambiguous and emotional statement about life using quotes from Dashboard Confessionals songs or some other emo artist. So, whatever, people are crazy, me included. Along that same vein, professing one's faith by "liking" certain things or joining groups or posting links is fine...whatever, that's who you are, do you what you want. But, I really don't think it is appropriate to post direct messages to God on your facebook status as a way to get your point across or vent or whatever. Even if it is done in are just posting how you feel ok, but guess what....God isn't reading your facebook status as an alternative to prayer.

Food. Food is always better when someone else makes it, regardless of what it is. I would rather have someone grill me up a hot dog than give me a wonderful raw cut of fillet, some uncooked redskin potatoes, and say, here you go, enjoy! I don't want to mash potatoes or worry about grilling the meat. If my mom makes me a grilled cheese sandwich it is going to taste a million times better than if I had made the sandwich myself - that is just fact. It is a strange law of physics but it is just the way the world works. That is why I would be way skinnier if I was on Nutrasystem or one of those other meal-delivery things, but unfortunately getting meals ready-prepared also costs money. So the moral of the story is, if you want me to lose weight, come over and get in the kitchen. Until then, Chef Boyardee is my homie.

Your car. Note to those who drive on a regular basis-your car's windows are see-through. Unless you're in the back of a limo, I can see you. On my way to and from work I have seen the following things. This is no lie:

1. A guy doing bicep curls.
2. A guy hitting himself in the head repeatedly.
3. A girl painting her toenails.
4. A guy reading the newspaper.
5. A guy in what appeared to be boxer shorts with no shirt on.
6. A women holding her dog with both arms...on her lap, trying to make sure it didn't jump out the window. Hey lady...close the window.

Everyone does stupid stuff when they are by themselves. I sing, whatever, I probably pick my nose, but I'm amazed at some of the things people do, like they think they are in their own little worlds inside their cars. And then of course they are bad drivers...everyone is a bad driver.


People who feel it is appropriate to comment on my child's size, abilities, etc. To the lady at the library who said she isn't surprised Lucas isn't walking yet with all the weight he has to carry around....seriously? I mean, I don't care as much that she said that as the fact that she thought it was perfectly acceptable to comment on someone's child like that. First of all, Lucas is a big boy, but he really isn't as chubby as people make him out to be. He is just really solid...but even if he was a huge ball of lard, I'm not going to go up and say to some person at the library, isn't a surprise that your child isn't walking because you obviously over-feed him and have some crazy genetic mutation in your family that causes you to be ugly and huge. I mean, I know that isn't what she was saying, but really! I've had people ask me how much Lucas weighs, how old Gavin was when he started walking when they see them both together, and then they say, well that is pretty common for one kid to walk later if the other one did, too. Oh really? Because I've done absolutely no research into late walkers. And how much do you weigh? Why is your kid so weird looking, is it because you are or is it his Dad? Oh, his Dad not in the picture, why is that? Did you run him off with your crazy?

Ok...something with a more positive tone to end this long post:

Dancing. How great is dancing? You can do it regardless of ability, just by yourself or whatever, and it will make you happy no matter what. We bought Gavin some shoes a week ago or so and he didn't want to wear them at first...I said, just try them on and he did and he stood up, looked at me and said, "Hey, I can tap dance in these!" That was awesome.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Is it that great?

Summer is a slow time in the financial proofreading world. I guess it is when all the auditors are out getting their report information/drinking with clients and going on vacation, so I haven't had too much to do lately. This has allowed me to spend almost the equivalent hours of a full time job on YouTube. You might read this post and think, uh, Kelly, everyone knows that YouTube is awesome. Is it? Ok, I love cute videos of animals and funny accidents as much as the next person. I don't even mind second-hand videos of tv shows that I can't see on hulu or the network's site. Last night Trav went to bed early and I spent a good hour watching videos of people proposing marriage in creative ways. All good stuff, right? Ok, well what about people who have their own YouTube channels and basically just talk to the camera or use their Mac editing software to make "funny" sketches. I'm not going to lie, I subscribe to jpmetz and I think she's pretty funny. But some people out there make the dumbest videos but get subscribers, and therefore ad revenue, and become partnered (whatever that means), just because a bunch of people think it's really amazing that a person can be creative.
Ok, there is a limit to when we should be applauding creativity. This is an ironic statement since I like it when people read my blogs but I'm not doing anything else but writing about my opinions on things. But really, I mean, the double rainbow auto tune is pretty funny, but the fact that someone with an auto tune feature on his or her computer can auto tune ANYTHING and make money off of it astounds me! And look at Justin Beiber. He put a video of himself singing on YouTube and because a crazy-popular teen idol. Yes, he can sing and I see that he is appealing to teen-aged girls, but there was a time when someone like him would have had to do a bunch of mall appearances and county fairs to get recognized. I know, pot calling the kettle black since I put a video up of Gavin being the cutest kid in the world on YouTube (not for publicity but just to share his sheer cuteness) and write blog posts, but really, kids are going to grow up spending their time trying to make dumb videos and hoping someone will pay them for having a modicum of talent. Alright, that's my rant, off to go watch ONISION sing about being a banana.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


There are a lot of horrible songs that have been popular at one time or another...I've even probably liked some of them. But, I have to say that the most horrible song I've heard in a long time is Katy Perry's "California Girls." Actually, I'm pretty sure anything by Katy Perry is pretty bad. But what I notice most about this song, besides Katy's obvious lack of singing ability, is how she seems to have some weird undefinable accent. As I thought about this, I realized that a lot of other pop singers have the same accent. A popaccent, if you will. Ke$ha totally has a popaccent. Jessica Simpson, on the one or two songs that made it on the radio...has a popaccent. Britney Spears definitely has a popaccent. Where does this come from? Is it the lack of singing ability that makes it so words need to be pronounced differently?

The most glaring example is in "California Girls" when Katy says "us." Just us...a simple word to say, but it comes out "aueees" or something. It is hard to write how it sounds. Or the word "love." Lauevveee....basically it is "aueee" that is used instead of every other vowel.

So, my plan is now, instead of getting paid to blog or write (since to date I have made exactly zero dollars from this endeavor), I'm going to be a pop star, since I'm pretty good at impersonating accents, I figure with autotune and my new popaccent, I should be all set. Airbrush out the few pounds I've gained since highschool (yeah, I said few, what, you want to say something?) and add some hair extentions, and your going to be asking for my autograph soon.

*Ok wait, I just went to find a link I could post to the song and realized that the song is actually spelled "California Gurls." It is quite possible that pop music is subversively trying to create its own language system. Here is what the first verse of the song should say when written out:

I know a place, where the grass is always greenAR
Warm, wet, and wild, must be something in the WAHTAHrrrrr
Sippin' gin and juice layin' underneath the palm trees
Boysss break there naeks, tryin' to creep a little sneak peek (at auess)

Looking at the lyrics I just wrote out, I'm reminded of the class on Chaucer I took in college. It looks a lot like olde English. Perhaps English writers like Chaucer and C.S. Lewis and whoever wrote the story that starts with a "B" about the knight..or crap...I think oh yeah, Beowulf...I bet they all had unpublished manuscripts with titles like "Arthurian Gurls" or "Art thou Downe?"

I also have to comment that Rihanna's "Rude Boy" is probably the worst song ever made, but she already has her own accent going on, so that is just an aside.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

This is not in 3-D

Melanie, this is for you because I totally agree!

The other weekend Trav and I went to see Inception (love it). Our tickets were $10 each, since they don't have the whopping $1 student discount on the weekends (even though we went on a Friday, but apparently that is part of the weekend). After paying $20 for the tickets, we decided to get popcorn and pop. I got a small popcorn and pop, Trav got a medium. We are unable to share popcorn since Trav puts so much salt on his you'd think he was a moose (aren't moose supposed to like salt a lot?). So, the two drinks and two popcorns were fricken $25!!!!! We went to dinner beforehand, each had a beer, and our bill was hardly more than that! WTF!!! Ok, whatever, we are here, we are going to enjoy the movie.

So, if you have been to the movies recently, you will notice that every movie coming out in the future is in 3-D. Every kid's movie is in 3-D. The next Step Up movie is in 3-D. I'm pretty sure if An Inconvenient Truth came out today, it would be in 3-D...or maybe American History X. I'm sure the curb scene would be sweet with 3-D glasses on. What I didn't realize, however, is that when you do see a 3-D movie, you have to pay $3.50 more a ticket. I wish I could convey my incredulity at that price in writing...without profanity, that is. $3.50 MORE A now when you watch the movie coming out with Jerry O'Connell about piranha that kill people, the movie will be that much more awesome because it is in 3-D and you will have paid $13.50 for the privilege of seeing what I'm sure will be a cinematic masterpiece.

It will take a lot for me to go to the theater for a movie now, I am making a stand against the movie producers who think that people are going to fall for this. The Sony 3-D TVs, on the other hand, are genius. It makes total sense that Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning would be promoting something so essential to my daily life.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Southwestern Publishing

Did you know people still sell things door-to-door? I know, it is crazy! There is a company called Southwestern Publishing that recruits college kids to sell children's books door-to-door and apparently the training program also teaches you how to be a persistent and slightly passive-aggressive as a stalker.

I usually don't answer the door if I don't know who it is, however, to get my dog to stop barking on Tuesday I peeked out of the curtain and was spotted by Tracy, a student from Texas. She gave me a line about how for college credit (liar) she was talking to local moms about these educational books. In the meantime, Gavin is upstairs yelling for me since I was in the process of putting him to bed before I had to go make Toby stop barking. Long story short, she said she'll come back later that night. I'm a wuss and say ok, even though I tell her I'm not interested, I pretend to buy the line that if she spends 5 minutes with me it will be part of her college class..whatever.

Well, she doesn't come back, and I'm happy because I figure she's gotten the hint.

So last night, while watching So You Think You Can Dance with my visiting mother and sister-in-law, the doorbell rings. I look out and it's my old friend Tracy. She says, "Hi, where would you like to talk about the books I have?"

Uh, nowhere...I'm thinking, but I am polite and say that I'm not interested again. At this point she is like, well you told me yesterday I could come back and you'd take 5 minutes to talk about this. I say, well you were supposed to come back yesterday. She says, I knew you had family around and didn't want to intrude (I told her they were visiting, I know, like she needed to know, whatever, I know I'm dumb, too). I say, well my family is still here and we are busy. She says, what are you doing (dang nosy) and I say, just hanging out...which is obviously nothing too important but it was the first thing that popped into my head. She says, so your family minds if you take 5 minutes of time to talk to me? Even though they will be here for a few days? I mean I drove all the way back here, you should have told me you weren't going to take the time. WHAT? Basically she's using telemarketing skills on me, but face to face, which is totally weird and catches me off guard. She then proceeds to start taking books out of her backpack and says, let me just show you these so you know I'm not selling magazines or anything like that point I just said, sorry I don't want to be rude but I'm not interested, and closed the door.

I looked up the company on the Better Business Bureau website and online, and it is a real company but has nothing to do with college credit. Basically it is like Avon, where the salesperson an independent contractor, however I did learn that each person is given a territory and sometimes lives with a host family to do this job over the summer. Tracy needs to be a fund-raiser or something, she is definitely aggressive and I can see her getting lots of sales just by the awkwardness of this all-American-looking girl guilt-tripping people into letting her do her sales pitch. So, in closing, watch out for Southwestern Publishing, and watch out for Tracy.

Oh, and I started a youtube, that's cool.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Stick Figures

First, this blog is a total copy of at least one other blog I've read, not to mention the picture above is from another blog about the same subject. Second, there is a very good chance that one of you reading this (of the two people that may read this blog) have this type of thing on your car. Sorry, don't me to offend you, but you're dumb.

Ok, I try to think the best of people, so I don't necessarily see danger in the man filling up his gas tank next to me at the gas station or parked behind me in the Meijer parking lot. Also, I'm obviously not overly protective of my privacy, seeing as how I have a blog and a facebook account and even a twitter account, which I never use, but still. But seriously, why would anyone put these stickers on the back of their car? First of all, they scream "a woman owns this car." I don't mean to be sexist or anything, but how many men do you know that have stickers like these on their cars? Like I said, I'm not overly cautious but I still don't want Mr. Rapist man to be like..."hey, this looks like a good car to hang around and wait for unsuspecting woman to come to." Also, the stickers are not just cute little decorations for your car. "Hey Mr. Rapist, not only am I a woman, but I have two young children who may or may not be with me, how does that sound? Oh don't worry, I don't have a big dog hiding in the back seat or anything, because as you can see from my cute little kitten sticker, I only have a pet cat...and a gold fish."

What are the benefits of these stickers? "Oh, I think that is my old high school boyfriend behind me in his car...that will really stick it to him that I'm obviously happily married with two kids and a dog and we are all having fun in our various activities as pictured on the back of my awesome minivan....take that for not taking me to senior prom!"

I find some car statements funny - I like the one about my dog being smarter than your honor student - but if you're going to go for the whole stick figure thing, this is what I would do...

Saturday, June 26, 2010


I watched the movie "Remember Me" tonight because I have a free trial of Netflix. Spoiler alert - don't read this post if you want a surprise ending...because that is exactly what happens. Let me sum up the movie as best as I can...

1. Guy has bad relationship with his Dad ever since Guy's brother killed himself. Guy has special relationship with his sister, however.
2. Girl has strained relationship with her Cop father ever since her mother was murdered in front of her on the subway when she was 11.
3. Cop father arrests Guy.
4. Guy and Girl fall in love.
5. Guy's sister gets picked on, Guy's father realizes he needs to be there for his kids, Guy and Guy's father are a-okay.
6. Guy dies in the World Trade Center on September 11.
7. Everyone is super sad...end shot of Girl sitting on the subway that she never rides since her mom's murder, yet she is smiling this little smile, Guy's unexpected, tragic death really taught me something about living and loving in the moment.

Huh? Seriously, the writers/producers of this movie had one of two ideas. Either this movie (which, in my opinion, the acting really isn't too bad in) is supposed to be about how people deal with tragedy and how bad things happen all the time but you need to find the good and the lo...ok, I can't even finish that theory, because really, yes, we all know horrible things can happen, but my conclusion is that whoever thought up this movie maybe thought it would be all deep but really he or she thought...let's end this movie with a really depressing death that is not foreshadowed and doesn't really solve any problems (since everything is pretty cool in the end, as evidenced by Guy's Dad's newly found appreciation for his family and girl is getting ready to cook up some french toast, and Guy realizes his dad loved him all along and forgives his brother for killing himself. Really, the only redeeming quality is the acting, although Robert Pattinson could you stop moping for a minute and also, if you are going to have Robert Pattinson in a movie, please let him speak in his regular voice because he does a horrible American accent, but all of that doesn't matter because he is beautiful so, in conclusion...."Remember Me" is one of the greatest movies ever made.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Jumping the Shark

I'm not too picky about what I watch on tv. I can get sucked in to pretty much everything. Once there was a movie on Lifetime with Candace Cameron and Fred Savage and it was the corniest thing I've ever seen but I watched every minute of it. Since I will watch whatever happens to distract me, I'm not too worried about plot lines, etc...but what is going on with tv shows recently? I mean, they are jumping sharks left and right before the first season even wraps! I accidentally started watching a show called...I don't even remember, something about 100 Questions...and there was canned laughter in the background and horrible jokes, I felt embarrassed for the actors involved. Even shows I like are doing weird things.

Law and Order: SVU - First of all, Sharon Stone cannot least she cannot act in a police drama. I used to LOVE this show, but then there was an episode with all these older actresses and some mattress king who fakes his own death and his burned in the process...he turns up at the police woman's house who was on the case years was so weird. And then the season finale where the teaser is like "you're going to find something crazy out about Sharon Stone's character" and you think, maybe we will discover why she is a bad actor, but then the whole crazy thing is that she had breast cancer and her lover left her, so she knows what this mom is going through who's ex had her son kidnapped but the son got killed in the process...what? Really, I mean, are the two comparable?

Glee - Ok, I love this show strictly for its entertainment/musical appeal. But COME ON!!!! It drives me crazy how the two cheerleaders were supposed to sabotage the Glee club, and then in the next episode they are all into it, and then in the next one they hate everybody, and in the next they love everybody. And apparently random rival choir director/Rachel's biological mom is going to just waltz into the hospital and adopt Brynn's baby? Because that's how that works? Oh, I want to start over and have a family...oh, you just had a girl? Well, our paths have crossed once or twice, I'm going to just go ahead and adopt your child, but that's cool because in one episode you became best friends with Mercedes so you can just go hang out with her. I mean, I know this isn't a high intellectual drama but can we have some plot continuity?

Even So You Think You Can Dance screwed up when they had two seasons back-to-back to try to ride the success of past seasons. Too much of a good thing can be bad. But they are redeeming themselves with the new format this season, at least that's what I think.

House and Lie to Me - You guys are cool. Best shows on tv.

This post makes me sound like I do nothing but watch tv, which isn't true. I DVR a lot of things, so some nights I just catch up on a ton of stuff when I don't feel like putting dishes away or talking to my husband or bathing my children. You know, free time.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Pieces of Flair

Ok, I know blogging about work is a big "no-no" when it comes to things like job security, not pissing off important people, etc., so I won't blog about work. Since this blog is so wildly popular, it could easy be viewed by the wrong people. Oh wait...this blog ISN'T wildly popular...screw the man! (But not really, I really need to keep my job)

I just wanted to say one thing, anyway, and this, my friends, is not a joke. I am not exaggerating, nor am I putting words in anyone's mouth. But, I was literally told by a certain someone who has certain authority over me that I put too much flair in my edits (I'm a proofreader). Seriously, too much flair? Now, if I had access to glitter pens and stickers, I could see this person's point, since I would obviously put those tools to use. However, I have a blue pencil. I correct spelling, add commas, and fix grammatical errors. Apparently the lines that I use are too loopy. Seriously, that phrase was also used. I loop my lines too much.

I am not against constructive criticism, and I received some of that, too. But how desperate are you to find something when you need to talk to someone about their excessive flair? Also, is this 1984? See, I guess I was just born to be more flamboyant than the position of proofreader allows. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I was supposed to be Adam Shankman...he makes me wish I was either a teen-aged Disney star or a gay man.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Circle of Life - Dinosaur Style

For those of you who have never met my son, Lucas, in person - here he is. Who would have thought that, as a six-year-old watching "The Land Before Time," I was not only watching a moving story about dinosaurs (and passive-aggressive comments on global warming), but I was seeing what my future child would be like. Seriously, Lucas is the personification of Spike. I'm relatively certain that, as time goes by, Gavin will be leading all sorts of adventures while Lucas follows happily along eating and going with the flow. This will be great if they ever get in a land before time-type situation, since Lucas could find a week-old cheerio embedded in carpet in about six seconds flat. So, when Armageddon hits, follow Lucas if you need help finding food.

If you are following Lucas, however, do not get on an airplane with him. He may be sweet, good-natured Spike on the ground, but in the air he turns into that dinosaur that bumps things with its skull. He just gets angry and seems intent on making as much noise as possible while drooling and head-butting anything around him. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go ahead and google "pachycephalosaurus." According to Wikipedia, this dinosaur also had "wide flanks," which is yet another similarity between Lucas and a dinosaur. So, next time you think about taking a one-year-old on a three-hour plane trip, just imagine what it would be like to carry a hungry pachycephalosaurus on your lap while sitting in a tiny seat on a tiny airplane surrounded by weirdos (I'm taking about you weird lady who asked to hold my baby)...and then realize that you would probably rather walk across a barren, lava-infested landscape while being chased by a t-rex. Yep yep!

Remember what a biotch Cera was in that movie? I guess it takes all kinds...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Errry Day

I read somewhere that if you want to start a legitimate blog you should post in...multiple times a day. Well, I realized I don't have enough interesting things to say to post once a week. And, I'm not sure what will happen once the Red Wings stop playing because I just realized that most of my recent posts have been during Red Wings' games. Haha, Trav just walked over here to talk to me and glanced at the computer...I'm not sure that he is even aware that I have a blog. Not that he isn't interested or supportive (well, ok, he's not interested, but he is supportive, sorta, about the important things anyway).

I think we end up with people that balance us. For example, Trav may not realize how funny and I am and how interesting my blogs are to read, but this is a good thing because it keeps me grounded...hahahaha, see how funny I am? But for real, I think if I had someone exactly like me I would be in deep trouble. We'd have 15 babies and 42 dogs and cats and would be way in debt because when I said, "Oh my gosh, that house is so cute, I know it is a million dollars but we should buy it!" the person would say "You're right, gotta take advantage of the market!" and then we'd end up living in my parent's basement or possibly a large box. Oh, I would also be about 300 pounds because we would love pizza and beer and that would be all we would eat except for the occasional french fry (you have to eat your veggies).

I think I balance Trav, too, since I make him do things he's not usually comfortable with like, talk to people, stop throwing furniture during Michigan State basketball, feed the dog....

But seriously, I don't necessary think that "opposites attract," at least not in our case, because we aren't opposites, but I think it is important to complement one another. I'm definitely neater than I used to be (although not "Lindsey" neat, wow, epiphany, what's up female Trav)! And Trav is a little more laid back about things...ok that's a lie...but anyway.

Oh, look who's trying to be a comedian. I just asked Trav if he feels like we compliment each other and he said "You're a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock 'n roll." At least my sense of humor is rubbing off on him.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Well well...

lookey here! I can blog at work! That is good, because I have an observation I'd like to make...notice I said observation, not complaint. I don't want people think I'm a debbie downer or complaining cathy or any other alliterative name like that.

So...toilet sheet covers/protectors. I get the point, especially in a gross public bathroom like a gas station or a bar. But really, isn't it just more to think about when you're in an office setting or a cleaner public bathroom? I mean, think about it, either hover or don't, but in the end you are still in a public bathroom and, unless you cover yourself in latex, you will be exposed one way or another to germs. The thing I have more of a problem with is people who flush with their feet. I'm sorry if you're one of them, but really, unless there is crap all over the handle, just use your hands and wash them afterwards! You are putting your shoes, which have been who knows where, on a place where many people touch. And then you go out and, even if you wash your hands, you turn on the faucet or dispense the soap or the paper towels or open the door or must touch something, right? Unless you're totally on top of things and you case the place out beforehand and know everything is automatic and hatch an evil scheme to get out without touching a thing (and in that case you might need some professional help), you will get a germ or two on you! Oh, and not to mention that eventually you will have to touch something other people have touched. The door out of the office, or the copy machine, or the microwave handle. Oh, better late than never, here's a disclaimer: don't read this if you are prone to germaphobia.

I'm not saying that if you can't avoid germs you might as well take a bath in the toilet...just saying that your efforts are futile. FUTILE!!!!

Oh, and while I'm on the topic, did you ever hear the story of what happened to the Volkernator on her way down to Florida one year? I'll be nice and not post it on here, but lets just say it involves poop...on her hand...that wasn't her own.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Let's go Red Wings

Haha, got you! You thought I was going to talk about the Red Wings, but in actuality, in an attempt to resist getting a tv in our bedroom, I am "letting" Trav watch the game instead of watching LOST so he doesn't try and make a case for another tv.

Oh my gosh Kelly, why do you write such interesting things on this blog?? Hey...stop with the sarcasm, you are the one still reading.

So, I'm just procrastinating going to bed but I really don't have anything interesting to say. I mean, I have a lot of interesting things to say, but I already have a big mouth so I feel like it is not a good idea to complain about my inept boss (hypothetical of course, she is totally good at her job) or the most recent story about one of my friends (for example, one of my friends was recently hanging out with Paris Hilton so, by the transitive theory, I'm famous).

I could talk about Trav. He no longer has a facebook account and if it's not written on or he'll never know. Hmm...what should I share about Trav. He sleeps with his eyes half open and his arms folded like a politically incorrect image of an know, crossed in front of his chest but out a little bit? It is weird. And one time he said "goat cheese" in his sleep.

Oh, I know. I should write my inventions/observations down now since so many have been stolen from me. For example, a LONG time ago I was thinking about how comfortable it was to lay on someone's chest and I thought, hey, someone should make a pillow shaped like a persons chest/arm and a few months later...boom, there it is. Or, in college I would be talking on my cell phone and laugh or smile and my chubby cheeks would hit the end button and I called it "fat face hang up" and seriously, Caroline Rhea or whatever her name is has a comedy routine and uses those exact words. I have a great idea for a button in your car that you push and it makes it so the windshield wipers slap themselves on the know, like you do manually to get the ice off? So the button would do it for you when you were in your car and you had an annoying ice chunk but didn't want to get out. Trav thinks that idea is dumb but seriously, if you're going to pay 60K for a luxury car, wouldn't you think, look at all the cool stuff this car has...heated seats, sunroof, oh, and the windshield wipers bang themselves against the windshield, so that is worth it right there. I just realized that now someone can steal my idea, but it is here first so don't even try it or I will sue you. Hey engineer friends, can you make my idea happen? I'll give you a cut of my fortune. I have a thousand other idea gems like this one in my head, let me know if you're interested in some great investment opportunities.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Knowledge is Power

Things I Learned Today:

1. I don't like artichoke.
2. When refering to people who work within a church but who are not clergy, one uses the term "religious." Here is an example: The clergy and other religious had a meeting.
3. Awkward encounters in an office break room or hallway will enivitably lead to comments on coffee, the weather, or a nice outfit (regardless of the outfit's actual niceness). A guy I work with always seems to be in the break room at the same time as me, and when we do the polite smile and nod thing I always reflexively say "I need more coffee" and he replies "tell me about it." I think next time I'll mix it up by saying something original like "is it Friday, yet?" or "oh, I was hoping there would be bagels left over."